Originally posted on 12/18/2019.
Here I am writing my first vulnerable post. It’s not scary at all…
JK. It’s super scary to write how I TRULY feel about something for all of the world to see and judge.
However, it seems that when I let my guard down on social media so many people relate to whatever it is that I’m sharing. And that’s the whole reason I wanted to start this blog in the first place, right? I wanted to create a space where I could just write out my feelings and thoughts, and maybe, just maybe, someone else could relate to me.
Sometimes it’s hard to share things that are close to your heart though. You can feel judged and wonder what people think of you, but honestly, what other people think doesn’t matter. Or at least that’s what Rachel Hollis tells me. So here we go…
When you meet the person you end up marrying, you’ll likely be asked, “So, when are you getting engaged?” Followed by, “When’s the big day?” and “When are you going to have a baby?” and as soon as you pop that first baby out….”When’s baby #2 coming?!”
For some, those questions are scary or hard to answer. But when I met my husband, I instantly knew he was “the one”. Yes, we are that couple. I mean, on the first night we met, I told everyone that “my future husband” was coming solely based on the fact that he was (and still is) HOT! I may or may not have consumed one too many alcoholic beverages. I like to tell myself that I subconsciously knew we would end up together.
Those questions weren’t hard or scary for us. We knew that we wanted to get married, when we wanted to start a family and how far apart we wanted our (at least) two kids to be. Luckily for us, we were very fortunate that when we started trying to conceive, we were able to get pregnant quite easily and had two healthy pregnancies resulting in beautiful children. Please know that I know this is not the case for so many people, and that isn’t me trying to throw it in anyone’s face. It’s simply me telling a part of our story.
Soon after 2.0 was born, we were asked when 3.0 was coming. Both of us immediately said, “shop’s closed!” Going from 1.0 to 2.0 was rough. Harder than either of us anticipated, and we were not interested in adding another tiny human into our crew.
However, as time passed, the thought kept creeping into our minds. We had always thought about having a big(ger) family. Both of us are one of two, and while we had great childhoods, we loved the thought of a bigger family.
I’m pretty sure there have been about three separate times now that we’ve had a couple weeks where we have gone back and forth between wanting a third and not wanting a third. We have made pros and cons lists, and if I’m being completely honest, the cons list is significantly longer. BUT, the shortlist of pros keeps trickling into both of our minds and seems to be tilting the scale more than the long list of cons.
Still, we ultimately always say no.
It seems to be a never-ending cycle.
I see the baby days slipping away from us as our baby becomes a little boy. Do I just have baby fever?
Having a baby is hard. I know this. There’s the crying. The not knowing what’s wrong. The nursing/pumping and having to lug an extra bag with you EVERYWHERE. It’s exhausting being attached to a machine for what seems like half of the day! Plus, let’s not forget that I already have two small children, a full-time job, this new blog, a side gig with Stella & Dot, AND a husband who works a crazy schedule.
Am I insane?!
With the first two, the decision was easy. So, why is the decision for 3.0 so dang hard?
My mind continually races back and forth between saying no and then wondering why the thought keeps popping in my head after the decision is made.
Am I even mentally strong enough to have another baby? Some days I can barely handle the two I have, so why in the world would I want to add another?
The thought of having a bigger family is exciting. Bigger family gatherings, more laughter, more joy, the list goes on. But then there’s the other list.
The additional funds for daycare when we are SO close to only having to pay for one. A new car because three won’t fit in the backseat of my small sedan. More mouths to feed. More bodies to clothe. The chance of a third being multiples (my grandma is an identical triplet!). Then come the more morbid thoughts that I may need therapy for…but the more kids we have, the higher the chances of one of them ending up with a life-threatening illness or being seriously injured or anything else negative. Yes, I know that’s a weird thought, but I’m a worrier and my mind goes to these places!
As I sit back and re-read this post, I understand that this may seem like a silly thing to write about. A first-world problem. Maybe even insensitive. I get it, but I promise that’s not how I want it to come across. I hesitate to even post this because there are people out there, some I know, who are struggling to even have one child and my heart aches for them on their journeys. Believe me, I’m an empath and feel so deeply for them.
But I strive to be authentic. I want my readers to know the truth and what’s going on behind the screen, the fashion, the pretty pictures. I’m just a mom struggling with whether or not I’m ready, or ever will be, to bring another life into this world.